September 18, 2007

September 18th, 2007

Last Saturday marked three years since my mom died after a courageous battle againts cancer.

September is hard for me. The weeks surrounding that date on the calendar are filled with a lot of emotions. It is difficult to explain grief to someone who has never really had to deal with it before, and it is so unique for each individual. For me, it comes and goes in waves. September is usually a time when I am hit with tidal waves of grief.

I feel like I have gotten to the point in grieving where I am past the raw pain and emptiness and can now think of my mom with a deep longing and love. In the past weeks I have found myself mourning what I am missing since my mom died. She wasn't there to see me get my nursing pin. She was not there to zip up my wedding dress and tell me I was the most beautiful bride she had ever seen. She won't be there when I have my first child, and I have so many new-mom questions. She won't be there. For the joys and the struggles. That is the painful truth of it.

But it is ok. If I have learned one thing as a result of my mom's death, it is just that. I am going to be ok. My family is going to be ok. There is no other choice really. I have to keep going, one step in front of the other, one day after the next. When my mom was sick her biggest urge to me was to not let her cancer stop my life. I was to keep going to school, keep suceeding, keep living life, keep being happy, keep doing the things I love. The same is true now. I work through the grief, and keep living and loving my life.

So, I am ok. I am more than ok. God is so good to me. I have Mike. I have a beautiful, loving, supportive family. I have friends that love me and hold me up. I ache for and miss my mom everyday. I long for that day when we are reunited in heaven. But until then, I can rejoice in my blessings and the truth that I have a God who conquered death!